2 years ago
OPERA MAN, JAY-Z & WHY FAT DUDES GET SO. MUCH. PLAY.
So over on her blog, Sarah recently asked the question:
What do you think? Why are less attractive/overweight men more likely to have a girlfriend than females with the same traits?
Not only do I agree with the conclusion this question is based on, but I’m even willing to up the ante. I think unattractive dudes are also much more likely to get a girl who is way more attractive than they are.
I see this all time. Nerds with hot chicks. I call it the Opera Man/David Copperfield scenario. To quote:
Copperfield!
Coppa-feelo! …
Operaman no comprendo
Il dorko has hot girlfriendo …
If she like-ah magic
Mi take-ah classoh
En two weeks
Pull a rabbit out of my ass-oh …
This is well and good (*ahem* especially for me who somehow always manages to trick women WAY out of my league into dating me), but you NEVER see the opposite. You never see a dude who is an 8 in a relationship with a 5. It just does. not. happen.
Some of our intrepid readers suggested money may be involved, however, in this situation, I think that can be ruled out. Hot chicks with older dudes is the, pun intended, money shot, but given the couple is in the same age bracket, typically, as Jay-Z & Jermaine said, Money Ain’t A Thing.
So here’s what’s really going on. Ever heard of the funny fat guy? Do you think that guy would be as hilarious if the girls were just throwing themselves at him? Probably not. And this is not to say all fat people are funny, all funny people are fat, or any fucking middle ground area where people will say “well that’s not always true!” No shit Mr. PC McPoliticallyCorrecterson, but it is sometimes and let me fucking continue and also go away.
“But KYLECOOPER” you say, “I also know hilarious BBW and they don’t get nearly the attention from hottie’s that the Funny Fat Guy gets.” And this, dear readers, is where we get to the *ahem* “bulk” of the matter.
MEN ARE FUCKING SHALLOW
Yep, that’s right. When we meet you, we’ve already decided if you are worthy of a roll in the hay (or “heeeeeeey” for our gay male readership) before we’ve even talked to you. After that, everything you say just helps us decide if we can date you or not. But as a key rule
WE FALL IN LOVE WITH HOW YOU LOOK FIRST
and your personality second. Sorry chickas. I really do admire the fairer sex though. You can meet a guy, think he’s okay, but gradually fall in love with who he is, looks be damned.
You might even get to a point where you think that hairy, fat bastard is good looking. The female brain is a strange and beautiful thing. (On a personal note: thank god.)
But unlike you pillars of wisdom, light and virtue, the sad fact is that a man will never be in a relationship with someone he finds unattractive (unless he quite literally has NO OTHER CHOICE). And, barring a HELL of a workout/diet plan or new tits and chin, a man will not change the initial judgment he imparted on you within only moments of crossing his line of sight. Shit, I have ton of girls I love but am not attracted to, they’re called FRIENDS. And they are great, amazing girls, but you know the old adage: You can’t fuck a personality.
What? Oh that’s not an adage? That’s just something me and my asshole friends say? Hmm. You learn something new everyday.
<3’s for days y’all,
Kyle
via datingstandards
2 years ago
Reflections involving little dicks & big vaginas
Here’s a snip of a conversation Jenn & I had about girls ripping on dude’s with tiny cocks AFTER having already messed around. Enjoy.
I feel like you’ve waived your right to make fun of someone’s penis size the moment you decided you would suck & fuck it. Once you’ve determined a dick is sufficiently sized to wrap any orifice around, you can’t make fun of him. Because he might have a tiny dick, but he’s still gettin’ it wet. Just like dudes can’t rip on chicks with big, floppy labia. Once you’ve stuck your dick in it, you’re no better than that floppy monster vagina.
Who you’re fucking is a reflection of you. The exception to the rule is that you can totally make fun of them, providing you also make fun of yourself for fucking hoodrats, little baby dicks or hoe-ers.
Post Script: This gem was also uttered later in said conversation.
2 years ago
Girls, The Matrix & why chicks can only screw themselves… metaphorically
This shouldn’t be news, but come on girls. You are the Agents of the Matrix. Y’all are the gate-keepers. Y’all are guarding all the doors, y’all are holding all the keys. Which means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to fight you. Or something.
Basically, most guys really just luck into getting girls to like us. Are you pretty, smart & funny? Congrats, you are instantly relationship material. Are you just 1 of the 3? Hey, we can at least date for a while.
Look at this blog as an example. The girls have 60 standards at the moment. And that’s just looking for someone to date! As I stated in my pre-acceptance speech, I don’t really have standards. I’m not going to be nice to girls that I couldn’t see mothering my illegitimate child but shit, I’ll waste some time with any estrogen producing humanoid.
So here’s the deal ladies, if you score a 1 on my rating scale, you are instantly dateable. But, and here is the GIANT BUT: History dictates that given a long enough dating timeline (like, 3 weeks) MOST GIRLS WILL DISQUALIFY THEMSELVES. And they will do it of their own accord.
By being:
Crazy
A clinger
Dull
etc etc etc
Bleak, eh? Hey, that’s what I’m here for. But here’s the upside for you, ladies. A man has to convince you he’s worth your time but you have to convince him you’re NOT worth his.
Hearts,
Kyle
2 years ago
Jeremy Renner, Sarah and the Universe
My own personal Dating Standard that doesn’t really have much to do with the rest of you but maybe you’ll laugh and if you don’t I’m sorry:
You have to be Jeremy Renner. I don’t know what it is about this guy but I want do shots of Jack Daniel’s and make out with him in a dark, sketchy bar. Maybe I’ll take up smoking just so I can offer him cigarettes all the time so he can smoke like this more often. Last night at the Oscars I would have been waiting for him with a drink and a sandwich once he finished his interview. He’s a momma’s boy too?!? He loves his mom enough to bring her to the Oscars with him, how sweet. I want him even more now.What’s wrong with me guys? I don’t understand my attraction to him, it doesn’t make any sense to me. He’s not my type. I don’t think I could ever date a guy that smokes because I don’t want to make out with an ash tray. I don’t even like Jack Daniel’s but I’ll drink it with him? I think I need a Renner intervention. He plays a badass with a heart in the Hurt Locker, I think that’s the reason I want him. Someone make it stop…
But, um, any guy in the world, if you’re Jeremy Renner or like Jeremy Renner then I’ll date you.
Love,
Sarah
Let me sum this up for the guys:
1) Drink
2) Smoke
3) Love your mom
She’ll love you for being so perfectly imperfect. Trust me, I’ve been employing this method successfully for YEARS.
Cheers,
Kyle
via datingstandards
2 years ago
A math lesson, an honest rating scale & why computers are less hung up about dating than you
Alright class, take a seat. I want to talk to you about math. Humans, with our 10 fingers and 10 toes, have naturally developed a BASE 10 number system. Basically, that means we have 10 digits at our disposal: 0 - 9. When we need to go higher, we append the next highest digit in front of the lowest and start again. So 9 becomes 10, 19 becomes 20 and you see the pattern from here.
Computers on the other hand, don’t have fingers & toes at their disposal. A computer can only sense if a circuit has current running through it or not. Basically one of two states. Call it what you like: on/off, opened/closed, true/false, but for the sake of storing the state of the circuit, the computer designates it a 1 or 0. This is called the BASE 2 system, or as we nerds refer to it: binary.
People’s natural inclination towards BASE 10 surfaces in every numbers game we play, including dating. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve overheard (or *ahem* participated) in the ratings game.
“She’s a hard 7.”
“Fuck off, she’s at least an 8.”
Some assholes even get decimal pointing involved. And evidently a half point is a BIG FUCKING DEAL. Ugh. This is all bullshit of course.
The only real rating needed is: Would you or wouldn’t you?
Yes or no.
1 or 0.
Class dismissed, see everybody next week.
Kyle
2 years ago
Dude Standard #1: You must be willing to give me a post-engagement blowski. In public. With photographers around. Also: An introduction.
I was always more of a Ren Stevens guy myself, but damn Lizzie McGuire is getting gangster in her old age. She’s like, what? 20? Anyway, the point is, when I drop a milli on a rock, get on my cock. Can I make cock jokes here?
If you haven’t noticed, I’m new here. My name’s Kyle. I sometimes post about sex, dating, and relationships over on my tumblr and for some reason I was offered the male perspective spot here on Dating Standards. I’ll be jumping in sporadically with advice, how-to’s and general fuckery.
Hey girls, did you know this is the 100th post? Dick jokes for the Centennial! Aren’t you glad you invited me to the party?
<3 y’all,
Kyle
